Deal for Yanukovych: Bandera for Mezhyhiria

Letter to a President*

To: Viktor Yanukovych
President of Ukraine
Kyiv, Ukraina

Highly esteemed Viktor Fyodorovych!

I am writing you in the matter of the posthumous Hero of Ukraine title I accepted on behalf of my grandfather from the hands of your predecessor Victor Yushchenko.

I heard that it’s causing you some problems in Moscow and that Gazprom may raise gas prices if you don’t rescind the state award by Stalin’s Victory Day party on May 9.

I also heard a Polish politician from Platforma Obywatelska is threatening that Ukraine will not become a member of the EU if you do not take back the award. (I am not sure the slanderous Pawel Zalewski, an author of resolution P7-TA(2010)0035, checked with the other Members of European Parliament before opening his mouth).

I was thinking and thinking, when the answer appeared on the Ukrainian Internet. I read how Barak Obama decided to donate his Nobel Peace Prize money to charities. “What a great idea,” I thought.

I got to thinking some more on how to help out Ukraine and correct another one of the “wrongs” your predecessor committed. And how you and me both can help out Ukraine which is like one big charity case.

Here’s the deal: I will give back the Hero of Ukraine award if you give back the Mezhyhyria property ** you got from Yushchenko (pictured above). I think that the gifts we received from Yushchenko are worth about the same. If I give back the Bandera award, Ukraine will have cheaper natural gas prices from Russia and a free trade agreement with the EU worth tens of millions of Euros. Your mansion and property are also worth tens of millions of Euros.

Together, we will fill the coffers of the state budget and help pay back wages owed to doctors and teachers and maybe some pensions.

What d’you say? Let me know the time and place for the exchange (strelka) and I will be there. I’ll be the guy wearing a gold star on my lapel.

Sincerely,
S. A. Bandera
Grandson of Hero of Ukraine

* This letter was written in ironic jest during a momentary sense of heightened self-importance. The point is to show the absurdity of the Bandera debate: almost everybody from Moscow to Warsaw to Edmonton has an opinion on Bandera (who was killed more than 50 years ago) yet no one seems to care about the real issues that plague Ukraine today. Yanukovych’s residence in Mezhyhiria is but one example of the widespread corruption and abuse of political power that makes life miserable for millions while benefiting the few. Stepan Bandera is just a distraction by those who want Ukrainians to be like mushrooms: fed shit and kept in the dark.

** Mezhyhyria is fit for a king, never mind president: Yanukovych's personal residence since 2005 outside of Kyiv: The 140 hectare lot includes lawn bowling, gymnasium, tennis courts, pool, fountains, manmade lake complete with waterfalls, helicopter pad, boat dock on the Dnipro River, wine cellar, green house and servants’ quarters on land whose property value is close to $300 mln. Yanukovych claims it was a gift.